Always a Bride, Never a Bridesmaid

I hear women complain about closets full of hideous dresses left over from the weddings of their closest girlfriends - girlfriends who seem to have exquisite taste until they start picking their bridesmaids' dresses. In a strange way I'm envious of those yards of ill-advised taffeta and tulle because I have never been in a wedding other than my own.

Many of my closest friends throughout my life have been guys. They were just simpler to hang out with, especially after the traumatic and stressful female friendships I had during puberty. I never knew who was angry at whom in the complex political hierarchy that evolved or what I'd done if I was the one receiving the wrath (or cold shoulder and whispering stares) of the others. Around 15 I decided to abandon the crowd of popular girls to spend time with the guys I liked (in a platonic way) and some less-popular (read: much nicer) gals. I never fully integrated into the new female group, though and moved to the Vancouver area at 16, leaving it all behind me for a fresh start.

I befriended some girls at my new school but there were still many of the same politics going on. If someone wore their hair the wrong way or talked too long to a guy someone else liked, the fur would fly. This led me towards the less-popular (read: lower maintenance) crowd again and especially the guys. My boyfriend didn't love my friendships with the guys but since he was older, wasn't in school with me, and was a whole other definition of high-maintenance, I didn't worry about it too much. The friends I made at this point were my closest friends for around 6 years, when coupledom with Theovis gradually pulled me toward friendships with other couples we met along the way.

I've met some fabulous women who are married to or dating guys Theovis plays games with and we've all become quite close over the years. That closeness has ebbed and flowed over the years depending on what's going on in our lives at any given point, as well as geographical proximity, but even at our closest, none of them would be considered my "best friend" and I know that they don't look at me that way either. There's no-one I call when I'm full of despair or even when I have amazing news. There has always been a distance between us and I don't know if it's me or them or a combination of the two. Maybe because I take my cues from the other person and never want to seem more invested than they are in case they would really rather be talking to someone else. Maybe they read my caution as disinterest and pull back from me which makes me pull back further until we see each other every few months and say we'll make more of an effort but don't. Theovis has the ability to assume everyone would want to be his friend - and I am totally jealous of that ability. I tend to assume the opposite unless the other person makes a real effort, which leads me back to that whole distance thing.

One woman I know once said I reminded her of the Queen, which she then explained was because I come off as pretty reserved. She said she didn't mean it as an insult but I took it pretty hard that I appear so stand-offish when I am actually really warm once I'm comfortable. It just takes me a long time to become comfortable - especially when I don't know where I stand with someone. If someone is a bit enigmatic and unpredictable, I almost never become truly comfortable with him/her because his/her cues are so hard to read. That person is almost guaranteed to get Queen Kate.

I am always so impressed with people who can walk into any situation and start chatting comfortably with people they don't know. It's a useful skill, to be sure, and I ain't got it. Instead, I'm the "snob" in the corner who talks to people she knows unless approached then makes awful small talk unless the other person is an amazing conversationalist. Sigh.

One of the end results from all this "queeniness" is that I've never been invited to be part of someone else's wedding (well, I was once, but then she changed her mind, which I realized when she didn't mention anything as the wedding got closer and closer, and neither of us ever brought it up again). I really felt it when I was at various weddings this year, watching the women in the wedding party sharing such a bond. It actually brought tears to my eyes at Danae's wedding that I was such an outsider in her life, although it's true that we haven't kept in touch very well after University. I've let a lot of my long-term friendships slide this way, which has left me with a lot of friends I really care about, but I almost never talk to or hear from. This makes me sad.

It has also left me in a bit of a bubble of where I fit in. I'm not a mum so I don't fit in very well with my mum-friends and their lifestyles. But with the long work hours and exercise program, I also don't fit in with the swinging single gals who can go out and party on a regular basis (plus, I don't know many). And is it even possible to pick up a lapsing friendship again and reconnect in a closer way? I don't know for sure, but I am certainly going to give it a shot. Not to guarantee a place in someone's wedding album but just to be a bigger part of other people's lives and have them share in mine. Though maybe, just maybe, someday I'll have some tacky taffeta of my very own.