No Kidding

At a wedding on the weekend we were seated with quite a few couples around our age, 2 of which had 2 kids or more. The inevitable discussions took place - where do you live, how long have you been married, 7 years! Don't you have any kids?

No, we don't have kids. And no, we don't plan to have kids any time soon. Or more likely, ever. Discuss.

Although not unheard of, and apparently on the rise, the lack of desire for children is a smack in the face to much of society. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate kids. I love my niece and all my sorta-nieces and nephews that belong to my friends. I think they're fabulous. I just don't want to have any of my own.

When Theovis and I were first married, we constantly heard the refrain, "You'll change your minds," when we told inquiring minds that we didn't intend to procreate. 7 years later, those voices have faded into the background, assisted by the birth of our Niece Emily and her imminent sibling. Family weren't the only ones giving us a hard time, though. Strangers seemed affronted too. One even asked, "Well, why did you get married then?" Uh, love and commitment aren't good enough anymore? Their insistance that we would change our minds made us even more determined not to (like at age 16 when a friend of my mother's insisted knowingly that my vegetarianism was a phase and that I'd be back on meat before prom. Still not eating meat, you old bat. (with great irony) Hah! I win!)

I've just never wanted kids. I played with dolls when I was a kid but wasn't as interested in the ones that were babies. I never wanted or owned a Cabbage Patch Doll (which apparently still smell like baby powder 20 years later. What the hell did they put in those things?) I always imagined getting married and spent hours planning out my elaborate, fairy-tale wedding, usually to Duran Duran bassist John Taylor. Kids never played a part in any of those fantasies. It's like I didn't even know it was an option.

People give all kinds of arguments as to why one should have children - you'll be unfulfilled if you don't (or this kids could be nightmares and I'd feel I wasted my life); they'll look after you when you're old (or they might not); you need to pass on your straight teeth and Theovis' beautiful hair (they'd probably get my hair and his teeth); society needs the kids of well educated, intelligent people (okay, that's a reasonable point, but our smart friends have had kids).

The only truly compelling argument I've heard is from a friend who said that she had such a terrific relationship with her mother that she wanted to share that with kids of her own. I had a pretty great childhood too, and would love to have the kind of relationship I share with my mum with a grown-up child of my own. Unfortunately there's a good 18-20 years before that relationship could happen. It's the intervening years I'm worried about.

Is it selfish to not want to sacrifice so much of my life to create new people? Maybe. But it is probably more selfish to be pressured into procreating, then resenting the child for taking away my freedom. There's just too much stuff I still want to do. It's not that I'm cold or uncaring. I am incredibly loving and compassionate. I love Theovis and I love our cats. I'm perfectly happy to sacrifice for their needs, but I can also lock them out on the deck if they're being too naughty, although Theovis has figured out how to get back in through the screen door. To tell the absolute truth, if you put me in a room with a baby and a cat, I'll be much more excited about the cat. C'mon! They're fluffy.

That said, these days I'm much less adamant about my 'kids never!' stance now I'm 30. I was pretty obnoxious about it in my early/mid 20's, but we're all impassioned and obnoxious in our 20's. It's what they're for. Maybe my clock's ticking or maybe I'm simply maturing but I've graduated from never! to probably not. It's still my choice to make, but you never know...