I don't know exactly what inspired me to stay up really late one night researching this piece, but here you go anyway. For those of you who have been holding your breath for years wanting to know exactly what I think about pre-fab "music", you can finally take a breath. Here is Vertigogirl's take on Boy Bands in her

All Boy Bands Extravaganza

I still tend to think that there are only 2 boy bands out there - Backstreet Boys and 'NSync - but apparently there is quite a selection out there to chose from now. Since I don't even like this kind of music, since none of you asked, and since the teen pop boom seems to be dying out I'm providing you, gentle readers, with a summary to immortalize this important time in musical history.

Backstreet Boys - after NKOTB, the Boys are who I think of as the original boy band. They've been around for so long that I think even Nick has hit puberty and Kevin should be collecting a pension pretty soon. I'm willing to forgive these guys a lot because of the Backstreet's Back video, which is super cool. Howie as Dracula can bite me anytime.

Ed the Sock - a strange Canadian "celebrity" sock puppet - summarized the band's videos thus - Brian overacting, Nick reaching for the camera, Howie's soulful looks, AJ filled with angst and Kevin looking like a dirtbag. It is remarkable. Every single BB video fits this mold. Freaky. Their latest includes all of the above, plus Howie in some unfortunate red, leather pants. Leather pants would be fine since he is on the list of men who can - pop/rock stars, pro-wrestlers, David Boreanaz - but everyone else on that list understands that the aforementioned pants must be black! I'll forgive him this once because he looks so hot as Dracula.

'NSync - They've eclipsed the Backstreet Boys in popularity in the past year or so but with the exception of "Bye, Bye, Bye" I can't think of a single one of their songs that doesn't make me feel fairly sick to my stomach. They get points for Joey Fatone being cute and for Chris Kirkpatrick looking like Jeff Ranger (especially the action figure - it was like Jeff in a box) but they lose a whole lotta points for Justin Timberlake. First it was the girly, sparkly bandanas. Now he seems to talk so "street" when he's on award shows. Dude, you were a Mouseketeer. You have no cred. You will never have any cred. Cut it out. Oh yeah, I always refer to this band as "En Sync" rather than "In Sync" for no reason other than that's what their name looks like.

98 Degrees - I have (unfortunately) heard these guys on the radio so I'll give them third ranking. They sing a charming song about breaking it off with a beloved mistress because the girlfriend has been so dedicated and deserves better than that. Uh, you might have thought of that before you started screwing around. Jerks. Plus they have lame 98 degree tattoos.

O-town - Formed by the MTV "Making the Band" series. Their biggest non-hit was a song called "Liquid Dreams" where they name-drop a bunch of current hotties. I don't know about you but the combination of gorgeous women and "liquid" in the dreaming process sounds pretty lewd, and not in a good way. Yick.

3 Deep - Watching 'Fromage 2001' on Much Music (an annual awards show for the cheesiest videos of the year), I found out that there was even a Boy Band with Nick Newman and Matt Clarke from the 'Young and the Restless' (plus a third who is the "songwriter" and "producer" - read: less cute) - not in character, unfortunately, because that would be really funny. "Dad, I'm quitting this lousy, cushy job at your multimillion dollar company. Me and this guy who once date-raped my wife, and who then faked his own murder to frame me for the crime, have put aside our differences and are forming a band with some other guy. Sure, we can't dance or really sing, but that didn't stop O-Town."

5ive - I totally hate these guys because of their name. I don't think I've ever heard them. They're British - which could be points for or against. On the official band website I just read that they were "one of the most successful British male pop bands since the Bay City Rollers" (!) and that they broke up in September 2001. So sad. Their record company quickly issued a "Greatest Hits CD" to "celebrate their colossal success". Yeah. Sure.

Youngstown - These guys are extremely proud of the fact that they weren't pre-fab, and they at least co-write much of the music. The pieces of songs I heard on their official website were relatively catchy, and certainly no worse than any of the others. One of the dudes always seems to wear a toque. I guess he gets cold a lot.

BBMak - Another British import. They're part of the 3 dude band clan, as opposed to the 5 dude clan. I guess an uneven number choreographs better. I didn't get their name until I looked at their names and it is a combination of the three. Kimph. Several of the pictures involved them holding guitars so perhaps they even play instruments. How novel!

Westlife - What is it with the British producing so many damn boy bands? At least these guys are Irish and have zany names like Kian. The clip I heard on their website seemed to be a rip off of "Lean on Me". Weird.

3 Count - Okay, these guys aren't a real band (yeah, unlike the others) but instead were a stable in WCW (World Championship Wrestling) who had a boy band gimmick. It's funny because in wrestling you pin a guy for a count of three... never mind.

What I learned: As a general rule, Boy Bands can't spell, are fond of bad puns, have almost no originality, like to pretend they're cooler than they are and absolutely do not rule.