Viva Vallarta! (Part 3)

(We last left our travellers in the sordid night club scene of downtown Puerto Vallarta about to discover what a great relationship they have)

In the second bar of the evening (the Zoo for those who are interested) one couple began to really stand out. He was partying up a storm while she sat sullenly at the table. We originally thought that she was just boring and felt bad for him (they were newlyweds on their honeymoon) that she didn't seem to want to have any fun. As the evening progressed we learned that this was because he was a total asshole. As he got drunker he got more and more obnoxios (as people tend to do) but he went way past the boundaries of drunken unpleasantness. As we headed back to our hotels after the 4th bar of the night, he started berating her for being a "loser". According to his tirade, she'd been a loser all day, all night and he'd paid $1300 dollars for her to come to Mexico and act like a total loser. People began to intervene to try and calm him down (these kids were on their honeymoon, remember) and he yelled out "I must have been on acid to marry this f*cking bitch! 5 hits, man, I swear." He then threw his $7 thousand dollar diamond wedding band and when people started looking for it, he said it didn't matter because he'd paid for it and they were getting a divorce as soon as they got back to Canada. (Theovis and I decided we'd pocket it if we found it. We were sorta kidding)

I know that people often have some disagreements on their honeymoons. All that tension from the wedding buildup can lead to some small fights but hello! Calling your bride a loser over and over, swearing up and down goes way beyond that. I don't care how much you've had to drink. I would expect that she'd have been on the first flight out in the morning but another couple from our hotel saw them a few nights later on a safari and they were "fine". Fine is NOT how I'd describe their relationship. "Run far, far away" is more like it. Yikes. (Personal note to Theovis: I love you! I'm glad you're not a psycho!)

Hotel life was pretty good but the lack of variety in the food was a little much. We were planning what kind of food we'd eat when we got home several days before we left. They had 3 different restaurants in the place but you had to get up at 7 AM and go wait in line for an hour if you wanted to eat at the two fancier ones (there were no alarm clocks and wake-up calls came only half the time). The other restaurant was a buffet, but like the snack bar, the meals didn't vary much day to day. Breakfast was definitely the best meal of the day and it was there we discovered Chocapic and Zucosos, crazy, sugary Mexican cereals. The Zucosos were essentially Frosted Flakes and the others chocolate Frosted Flakes (can you get better than that?). We did wait in line two days but it just wasn't worth it to do every day. Waiting in line to stake out turf just isn't my idea of a vacation. Unfortunately it is others, so we didn't get to do some things that we might have otherwise.

Theovis got pretty sick the night we ate at one of the fancy restaurants (we think he might have gotten a "funky" shrimp). Unfortunately, that coincided with the day they forgot to bring us water (everyone is allotted one 500ml bottle of water a day - My doctor tells me to drink about 2.5 litres a day even when I'm not in that kind of heat. Anyway...) We called the front desk that night but no-one ever showed (be right there). The next morning I raced down to customer service to see about getting some. She assured me that someone would be right there (with two day's worth). About 40 minutes later I called again and was told again that someone would be right there. I mention again that Theovis was really sick and was beginning to have kidney pain from being dehydrated. I ended up going to the little store and paying almost $5 for a litre of Evian water. About an hour after that a guy showed up with two bottles of water. I said "quatros" and started to recite what I'd learned to say to tell him that we didn't get any the day before when he said, "5 minutes." Of course, we never heard from him again. At least we then had some water and pop to get us through for a little while. When the maids came by later in the day we had to ask them about 3 times to finally get "agua". I demanded 4 that time too and we got it. If there's anything it should be easy to get in a Mexican resort in the middle of summer it is water. This should not be such a battle.

The other far-from-pleasant part of the resort was the guys lurking at every corner shilling their "Vacation Club". These guys were trying to lure you into presentations for time shares. They were relentless! It got to the point where we would take very round-about routes to avoid having to encounter them. Unfortunately their favorite spots were near the restaurant and by the front lobby. After a long chat while we were waiting for the cab to go clubbing, Theovis was finally able to shut the guy down and he left us alone. It took him about 20 minutes though, and he's a pro.