An open letter to new parents,

NO ONE (ELSE) WANTS TO TALK ABOUT POOP!

Thanks, I feel better.

I don't know where you got the misconception that your baby's bowel movements are an acceptable topic of conversation. Because they aren't. Not ever. Especially not at dinner. But anytime really. Don't. Do. It.

I'm sorry if what comes out of the business end of your baby is the most interesting thing that happens during your day. It is important to be able to share special moments in your child's development with your friends, but there are acceptable things to share - baby started crawling - and things that should never, ever (have I mentioned never?) be shared - anything to do with poop. I would be interested in finding out the name of the parenting manual that suggests horrifying your kid-free friends with tales that would make Stephen King hide under a chair, quivering and trying to poke out his mind's eye. All copies of that parenting book should be burned (and perhaps the writer along with them)! Anything that happens in that ungodly event known as the diaper change should be locked up tighter than... well, something that has to be locked up very tight.

I understand that everything about your kids seems exciting and fascinating in the beginning. And so it should. BUT, you need to censor what you discuss in mixed company (ie. anyone else). With your midwife or your baby's doctor/paedeatrician, okay. Perhaps your parents (who may be even more excited than you are) want to hear about various shades, textures and aromas. Maybe even your friends who have kids themselves. They can at least sympathise. But, and I am sure I speak for pretty much everyone else in the world when I say, "THE REST OF US DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

What else is there left to talk about? I'm glad you asked! In case it has been so long since you've left your house that you've forgotten how to interact socially, here is a handy guide to aid you in conversing with your kid-free friends (who you managed to speak to regularly for many years, without poop ever entering the conversation).