Could I order some bittersweet, hold the bitter...

My brother and his wife were here visiting this past week. They live way up in my home town, Dawson Creek, BC (no, that isn't where the show is set! That is about a kid named Dawson). I don't get to see them very often, because it is really fricking far (see poorly edited map). James (my brother) and I hadn't been very close over the past 6 years or so since he moved back to Dawson Creek. We were both too broke to take trips, and, truthfully, I was completely uninterested in going up there for any reason. But the day eventually came that he was getting married, so I piled into a minivan with Mum, Dad and Mrs. Ferguson (family friend), and we made the 2 day trek to Dawson Creek.

I was filled with an interesting mix of emotions. I was excited to see James, nervous being somewhere with all those memories and excited to show the town how far I'd come since I left 9 years before. I barely slept, barely ate and was slightly nauseated the entire week, but despite all that, I had a pretty good time. I was surprised too. Most importantly, I got to reconnect with James and get to know his wife Kamala (who I sat next to in grade 10 Math).

I was having a good time, but the event that changed it into a great time was an argument with James. Yes, an argument. It was over something totally stupid, but it made me realize how much I missed having a real relationship with him. We had been strangers for the previous 6 years. We had polite phone conversations trying to catch up with what the other was doing, but we didn't KNOW one another at all. The argument changed all that. I felt like we were kids again, calling eachother names and trying not to swear in front of our parents. Mum and Dad were as entertained as James and I were. We were really interacting as siblings. And laughing as much as fighting. I thought, "James, you're an asshole. And I've missed you so much!"

Since then, I have been making a real attempt to stay in contact on a regular basis. We started phoning eachother regularly, getting to know what was going on in eachother's worlds on an everyday scale. I went on a gift giving rampage, much to our bank account's displeasure, but I was just so excited to see things that I knew he'd like. I set him up a yahoo! mail account, but he would have to go to friends' houses to check it, and he could never remember how to check it, so I quickly realized there was no point. Now, I have gotten back to the art of writing letters. On paper even! With envelopes! And stamps! I even went BACK to Dawson Creek AGAIN for a visit this past March for no reason other than to visit him. Both of us cried like crazy when it was time for me to come home. My visit there and them being here last week brought us closer than ever, and gave me a chance to get to know Kamala fairly well.

The problem with all this, and the point of this tirade, is that now I MISS HIM! Before, when we weren't close, I didn't know him well enough to miss not having him in my life. But now I do! And it totally blows! And since I got to know and really like Kam, I miss her too! I understand that old saying about having to know pain to know joy, but screw that! I just want the joy! Is that too much to ask? I don't think it should be.