I've been going to counselling for a while to help me deal with the grief over Mum's death. It seems to be helping although there are still good days and some very bad days. It will be a year next month since she died and I know May is going to be a very rough month for me. My counsellor is great, though, and she's definitely giving me some tools to get through it more easily.

One thing I didn't expect from the counselling sessions was to discover childhood issues that affect me to this day. I was bullied by my friends pretty badly in primary school and it never occurred to me that I'd have leftovers from that 25 years later. I mean, we're all screwed up by our childhoods, right? But in examining things is great detail, I've learned that a big part of why I'm very cautious at making friends, and rarely put myself into vulnerable positions with people until I'm really comfortable is because of the way those "friends" treated me. Go figure!

Anyway, the gist of the whole thing is that I did a bunch of intense processing and have managed to let go of a pile of those issues and will hopefully be able to move forward with fewer hangups. I feel lighter and freer and it's pretty cool.

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Grief is weird.

One would think that it was a very linear process: you'd feel really crappy at the beginning, then as time goes on, you'd feel better and better. It's simply not the case.

In fact, for the first couple years, it seems to be a reverse process. In the beginning, you're actually doing fairly well. You're in shock more than anything, even if the death was expected. I don't think we ever believe death will truly happen, even if you've been watching it get closer and closer.

You function fairly well initially because there's so much to do. There's simply no time to fall apart when so much planning and organizing has to happen. Of course there are blips when it hits hard, but then you have to get back to getting stuff done.

A few months later, some of that numbness starts to wear off and you start feeling things. Bad things. But at this point, people expect you to be feeling better, not the reverse. You're back at work and involved in activities, and it's hard to explain why you want to take to your bed now, rather than immediately following your loss.

This cycle of normalcy and misery bounces back and forth for a long time. Strange things set it off either direction. I've watched a movie that mimicked my experience without feeling much, then something seemingly unrelated will just shatter me and every raw feeling will be right there at the surface. It's very exciting (not in a good way!) because you never know when it's going to happen. I've started crying while singing Christmas carols. I sobbed every time I saw a trailer for the movie "Australia", though not during the movie itself (a little dull). Other times, I just feel crappy or angry for a few days, a few weeks, and can't seem to shake it.

Having been through this before with my dad, I know that over time it does get much better and ebbs and flows of grief level off, but I also know it doesn't happen for the first couple years. I'll be bursting into tears at inopportune times for a while to come now, but I know it is all a part of the process.

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Oh, one non-computer thing I've been up to this year is Kayaking. Theovis, Chris and I took some lessons out at Deep Cove. It is incredibly beautiful out there! And I think the water is cleaner than most places near the city, which makes a difference when one needs to practice capsize and recovery techniques.

Being upside down underwater attached to a boat is such a surreal experience. The first time I practiced I got out with no problem. The second time involved much flailing and panic when I couldn't find the toggle to release my spray skirt. Thankfully, pushing my feet as hard as I could against the bottom of the boat popped me out. I'm not a big fan of the whole capsizing thing since it involves me being in the water but getting back in the boat by oneself is often such a challenge I was almost willing to stay in the water.

In our third class, I had an unexpected capsize while practicing bracing techniques (ironically supposed to keep one from capsizing). I was out of that boat before I'd even really realized what happened, which was excellent. Unfortunately, I wasn't wearing a wetsuit and the pacific ocean in mid-May is not the ideal temperature for swimming. Thank the heavens for hot showers!

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I finally got an account on Facebook and have been at it all day. I can't seem to walk away. I'm adding photos and randomly searching out friends. I really should be doing English homework but this is a whole-lot more fun.

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Okay, where was I? It's only taken 4 months to have another look at this.

We took an amazing cruise to Alaska in September to celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversary. It was just phenomenal. We aren't in love with the cruise lifestyle, though we would do one again, but Alaska is so beautiful! It is very similar to BC, but I love BC, so what's not to love about Alaska.

In Juneau it was pouring. We wandered around the city for a while and eventually found the State Museum. Every port in Alaska is filled with awful tourist shops near the dock that are owned by the cruise ship companies. You have to wander much farther to find anything of interest to see. None of the descriptions of the port provided by the ship mention anything to do other than their excursions and their shops. It left a pretty bad taste in our mouths.

Anyway, Juneau. After being soaked by a passing bus, I changed my clothes and we went on a whale watching expedition. It was so awesome! We saw at least 7 humpbacks and many playful sealions. A young humpback was doing impressive tail thumps and waving his pectoral fin in the air. Wow!

Next stop was Skagway. It was a gorgeous morning with mist rising off the water and the mountains had received a dusting of snow. We planned to go hiking but got pulled into a tour by a local guide. We were so glad we did! We got a lot of history of the very interesting Gold Rush town and had a spectacular bus ride up the White pass to where the prospectors headed into the Yukon gold fields. It is really amazing any of them made it considering the gear they would have had in the late 1800s. The jagged mountain peaks were spellbinding.

We next sailed into Glacier Bay and spent the day looking at calving glaciers. The thunderous sound of ice hitting water has to be experienced to be believed. It was pouring rain again and very cold but we bundled up and stood out front on the deck to see nature's performance art. While we sailed to the next glacier, we went inside to dry our gear before the afternoon's viewing. I had to dry my long johns with the hairdryer in the room. The second glacier was at least as stunning and we laughed to see a lone bald eagle sitting on an iceberg, also enjoying the show. He sat there almost as long as we did.

Our final stop was Ketchikan. We took a sea kayaking tour in the morning where we saw bald eagles, sea stars, sun stars, a menacing bull sealion (who wasn't pleased our boats were too close) and a humpback whale who surfaced then was feeding about 50 metres away from us. I was panicky but Theo thought it was awesome. Once I was back on dry land, I agreed it was awesome. In the afternoon, we took a float plane tour of the Misty Fjords National Monument. Wow! They were some mighty misty fjords. So beautiful. And I was very proud of how calm I was my first time in a float plane.

All in all, an amazing trip. We're definitely planning to do more kayaking this year. And another trip to Alaska has been added to my lengthy "places to go" list. Next time I want to see Denali National Park!

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